For Cassandra, the main character in The Rock Star’s Wife series, a dysfunctional family is the norm. This comes into sharp focus in Sexual Awakening and Family Upheaval. Let’s examine family dysfunction.
Psych Central defines a functional family as one in which family members enjoy spending time together, mutually respect each other, engage in healthy conflict and embrace each other’s differences. These families have rules that are flexible and can change as family members grow and change.
Dysfunctional families, conversely, can exhibit a number of negative traits such as violence in the household, parents who are absent, and no love and affection. Dysfunctional families also can come in the form of authoritarian parents who do not respect their children’s right to privacy, have unrealistic expectations or don’t allow children to express themselves.
As you can see from the definition, not all dysfunctional families are dysfunctional in the same way. There are five types of dysfunctional families.
- Conflict-Driven: This family is defined by conflict because of its inability to communicate effectively. The family will argue, feud, pick fights, purposefully annoy each other to cause conflict.
- Emotionally Detached: This family either lacks physical affection or is emotionally unavailable. Children learn to repress their feelings.
- Authoritarian: In this family, parents are dictators and children cannot make their own decisions.
- Violent: This family experiences physical, verbal, sexual, or psychological abuse.
- Substance Abuse: This family includes members who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Do you see the Economos family in any of these types? I see them in the first three.
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families
Just as there are different types of dysfunctional families, there many characteristics that define them. Here are a few:
- Poor communication
- Having little privacy
- Controlling behavior
- Wants and needs are disrespected or overlooked
- Fear – whether fear of abuse or to be emotionally vulnerable
- Excessive criticism
- Pressure to make choices you don’t want to make
- Pressure to be perfect
- Lack of empathy
- Conditional love
Marriage.com offers the following tips for anyone who grew up with family dysfunction.
- Identify and acknowledge the dysfunction’s affect on you
- Set boundaries with family members
- Seek professional help
Roles in Dysfunctional Families
“We adopt certain personality characteristics based on our position, or the ‘role’ we have within the family unit,” Psychology Today says. “If our family was dysfunctional, our role morphs out of the unhealthy patterns and exists to maintain the ongoing dysfunction.”
Here are the common roles in a dysfunctional family:
- Golden child: Can do no wrong
- Hero: His or her achievements and successes cast the family in a positive light
- Mascot: Diffuses conflict using deflection and humor
- Identified parent: The person most often identified as being the source of the family’s problems
- Scapegoat/Black sheep: The one who broke away and often is the most honest member of the family
- Lost child: Tries to go unnoticed to avoid conflict or attention
- Enabler/Caregiver: Works to keep up the family’s appearances
- Parentified child: Takes on the role of spouse in a parent’s absence
Again, see any members of the Economos family here?
Family Dynamics: Abandonment
Jennifer Anderson Economos’ father abandoned her, her mother and her sisters when Jennifer was 14. In Holiday Homecoming, Mr. Anderson hopes to make amends with the family he abandoned. Should Jennifer, her sisters and mother believe him? They have years of family history telling them not to. Let’s look at why men abandon their families.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 7 million men are classified as absent fathers, wanting little or nothing to do with parenting, although 42 percent do see their children at least once a month.
“A myriad of factors, both internal and external, can contribute to abandonment by men in family relationships, making it essential to address these issues and seek solutions to strengthen family bonds and support healthier relationships,” Men’s Central blog says.
The blog lists 20 reasons men leave:
- Financial stress from things like debt, unemployment or unstable income
- Hostile relationship with partner
- Undiagnosed or untreated mental health issues
- Substance abuse
- Trauma, grief, or other stressors that cause a man to withdraw emotionally
- Fear of commitment or not desiring commitment
- Infidelity
- Bending to the influence of friends or peers
- Cultural or societal pressure clash with personal values or desires
- Growing up without positive family role models
- Relentless pursuit of career success
- Incarceration or ongoing legal battles
- Emotional immaturity
- Waning interest in relationships
- Contentious divorce or separation
- Seeking independence, adventure, or personal growth
- Inability to manage family responsibilities
- Midlife crisis
- Incompatibility with partner
- Relocating for career advancement
Do They Regret It?
Do men who leave their families regret it later as Mr. Anderson does? It depends who you ask.
“Men who break their promises and betray their families usually have no room or time to think about regret,” Midlife Divorce Recovery, a program helping women struggling through divorce, says. “Occasionally, they may have pangs of regret when milestones with the children are missed. Or when their family moves forward without them. But they seem to not allow themselves to go to that regret space very often. Instead, they blame us and our children for excluding them, and so regret doesn’t have a chance.”
Conversely, FatherResource, a website dedicated to helping father, says, “If men leave a relationship, they have some regret in most cases. Many difficult decisions that involve emotional attachment leave us with feelings of regret. For example, if men are emotionally invested in a relationship, they will likely regret leaving their families, if they choose to do so. This may not be right away but can happen over time.”
Should Jennifer, her sisters and mother forgive Mr. Anderson? Looks like they’ll need to go with their guts on this one.
Family Dynamics: Daughters Strained Relationships with Parents
Cassandra, the main character in The Rock Star’s Wife series, has always had a strained relationship with her parents. It stems primarily from a split between their wishes and desires for her and her wishes and desires for herself. Her situation is not unique. Often adult daughters have strained relationships with their parents.
How daughters interact with their parents can be determined by cultural norms and age, but they can vary within families as well.
“Mother-daughter relationships often have different meanings and may be given different power in a person’s life; but one of the important things to remember is that as daughters mature into adulthood, these connections must, in some ways, be dealt with as any other relationship between two adults,” F. Diane Barth, a psychotherapist, says.
Daughters’ Relationships with Mothers
When it comes to cultural norms, it can be difficult for daughters to break away from patterns that have existed for generations.
One example is the culture of female service that expects women to be caregivers.
“Families that subscribe to the culture of female service expect mothers and daughters to be selfless, sacrificial, self-neglecting caregivers,” Rosjke Hasseldine, a mother-daughter relationship therapist, explains. “This belief system does not recognize women as people with needs of their own.”
Hasseldine notes that when mothers and daughters work together to end generational patriarchy, sexism, and gender inequality in their families, they become able to recognize, and voice, their own needs.
When it comes to family dynamics, there are a number of situations that can lead to mother-daughter conflict.
- The daughter is moving toward independence. The mother views this as a loss. In addition, daughters may view their mothers’ advice as interfering.
- Women tend to overshare, which means conversations can result in arguments or hurt feelings.
- If mothers and daughters are separated by distance, this can cause a loss of closeness. This is because women use body language and facial expressions in addition to tone to communicate.
- In many families, mothers pass on information. This also means they can be blamed if information is passed on incorrectly or misunderstood. Instead, mothers should encourage various family members to pass on the information themselves.
- Jealousy of other relationships can be viewed unconsciously as perceived threats.
Daughters’ Relationships with Fathers
“Daddy issues” also are common. Many therapists and others, however, do not like this term because it implies that the problem lies solely with the child. No matter what you call them, these issues stem from children’s troubled relationships with their fathers that can cause mistrust and uncertainty.
Issues can stem from having an absentee father. Conversely, if a child was favored over her siblings or spoiled, this also can lead to issues as can mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.
Here are some of the signs of daddy issues:
- Only be attracted to or dating older males as a substitute for either the security the women lacked with their own fathers or a need to be worshipped and adored.
- Constant fears her partner is cheating on her.
- Needing constant reassurance.
- A fear of abandonment.
- Seeing dysfunctional relationships as normal.
While these issues are often applied to women, sons also can be negatively impacted by their relationships with their fathers.
Family Dynamics: Forced Separation
Cassandra and Nat are often separated in The Rock Star’s Wife series. After all, it comes with the territory when one spouse is in the music industry. Forced separation can happen in other instances as well – because of military deployment, incarceration and deportation, for example – but no matter the cause, forced separation affects marriages.
Lisa Diamond, a researcher at the University of Utah, studied the effects of separation on adult relationships and the well-being of the couples. The results were published in Current Opinion in Psychology’s February 2019 edition.
Diamond noted that couples regulate each other’s appetite, body temperature, hormones, sleep cycles, and other biological and psychological systems and that separation causes a stress response. Separation can even be harmful for one’s health.
Research, however, also has shown that couples in long-distance relationships still can experience intimacy and relationship satisfaction if they are secure in their relationships, feel a sense of connection, keep in communication, and have high functioning relationships.
“Previous findings support the view that the physical presence of other people is important for forming attachment bonds; but once these bonds are established, other types of representations [text, email, video chatting] might suffice for keeping these connections alive,” Psychology Today explains.
Maybe that explains how Cassie and Nat keep their marriage healthy despite their lengthy separations.
“Regardless of why family members may be separated, the mental health effects cannot be overstated, especially for children, who are often not responsible for the situation that they face,” Very Well says.
The website examined some of the common reasons for forced separation.
Refugees: People in resettlement situations often experience anxiety, depression, feelings of powerlessness, worry about family members, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Military Families: Families in military situations experience uncertainty, relocation stress, and the child taking on the role of parent.
Incarceration: Children with a parent in prison are at risk for poor mental health outcomes and socioeconomic stress.
“When you have a major withdrawal of resources in a relationship resulting from a forced separation, it can affect trust and commitment,” Dr. Donna Baptiste of Northwestern University said. “A weakening of trust, commitment, and passion combined with anxiety, clinginess, and fear of the relationship not surviving creates a toxic mix, and some couples do not survive.”
Baptiste pointed out four ways that couples are affected when separated:
- A loss of physical closeness
- A loss of joint activities
- A loss of sexual relations
- Everyday conversations and routines became interrupted
Children also can experience emotional effects when separated. These include anger and aggression, anxiety, depression, heightened sense of fear, isolation, problems eating and sleeping, and withdrawal.
Families like the Hardwicks must work hard at maintaining their bonds despite frequent separations.
Family Dynamics: Single Parenting
In Rock Star Mom, Cassandra finds herself in the same situation her mother experienced when she was raising her children – part-time single motherhood. There are a multiple differences, however, between Dad and Nat and their approaches to fatherhood when they are home. That doesn’t mean that both women don’t face a multitude of challenges. The following are some of the common challenges of single parenting.
There’s no one to ask for help: When you’re a single parent, there’s no one to hand the parenting duties off to when you’re tired or sick. The only person you can rely on is you.
The decisions are all on you: While Cassie has the luxury of being able to discuss serious situations with Nat, many decisions fall strictly on her to make in the moment. Perhaps it’s a discipline issue, or a permission slip needs signed for school and it’s due the next day. Whatever it is, she alone must rely on her instincts to decide what to do.
Work-life balance is out of whack: Today, there are jobs with flexible hours and remote work options. This was not the case until recently, forcing single parents to decide between taking time off to be with a child or a paycheck.
Discipline: Children sometimes act out to get their parents’ attention. This makes discipline a challenge.
“…children left on their own with no proper guidance may develop defiant behavior, which inhibits disciplinary measures from a single parent,” Marriage.com explains.
Remind you of Cassie and Vanessa’s high school years?
Family Dynamics: Adultery
What harm can an ancestry test cause? For most families, absolutely nothing. For the Economos family, it turns their lives upside down. That’s because sometimes DNA reveals a family secret, specifically adultery. What are the effects of adultery on families? The effects are numerous, and thanks to ancestry testing, unearthing family secrets has become increasingly common.
One Reddit user described his or her experience. “The first thing my dad and I did was compare our ‘Ancestry Composition’ and I noticed it was a bit… off to say the least. He is highly British & Irish (most strongly connected to the UK) with a small bit of French & German. I am mostly Scandinavian (most strongly connected to Sweden) with over a quarter French & German and some Italian. I then went to DNA Relatives and… you guessed it. He didn’t pop up on mine and I didn’t pop up on his. There was a half sibling (sharing 26.3%) and father match however.”
There are countless stories like this one.
“Discoveries like this affect not only the person who took test, but also affects the entire family. Jenny’s four siblings had varying reactions and are themselves still processing what it all means,” genealogist Amy Johnson Crow says on her blog.
Many believe adultery only affects the adulterer and his or her partner. In reality, it affects the entire extended family as well as friends, causing a loss of trust, lost of self esteem, anxiety, feelings of betrayal, self doubt and anger.
“Secrets, lies, and deceit become pervasive, hindering the ability to openly express emotions and concerns. Honest and transparent communication, which is vital for resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships, becomes elusive,” MyWellbeing says. “The lack of communication further deepens the emotional chasm within the family, making it difficult to navigate the healing process.”
In addition, legal separations and divorces cause financial hardship.
Many think of adultery in terms of offspring who are still children. However, adultery has lingering affects into adulthood. Families may move on, but it never becomes easy to deal with a parent’s adultery.
Here are some traits adult children in this situation experience:
- People must earn your trust, and even then it’s not complete trust
- You’ve built metaphorical walls around yourself
- Romantic partners must show how committed they are
- “I love you” is not enough on its own
- You don’t always admit your negative feelings to your partner
One step toward healing is for the adulterer to admit complete fault and acknowledge the harm caused to others. This will allow the family to address the issue and move on.
Family Dynamics: Half Siblings
Imagine you get the shock of your life. You take an ancestry DNA test to discover some distant relatives. Your results come back, and you discover not distant relatives but very close ones – half siblings. What do you do? This is the very situation Cassandra, the main character in The Rock Star’s Wife series, finds herself in Family Upheaval.
Thanks to modern technology, her situation is not unique. Sometimes it’s because a person was given away for adoption.
“When it comes to reunions of birth families, they are often not like the movies,” Melissa Guida-Richards, a guest writer for Huffington Post, says. “There’s heartbreak, anger, numbness and general confusion. People often expect an instant connection with their biological relatives because they share blood, but that can take some time or often never fully develops.”
Guida-Richards learned as an adult she was adopted. A few years later, she discovered she had two half siblings. One wanted to get to know her. The other did not.
Sometimes people learn they have half sibling accidently.
A woman posted on Glow’s message boards seeking advice on what to do about a woman who contacted her claiming to be her half sister.
“I don’t know what to do with this information,” the poster said. “I don’t want to approach this with my parents in the wrong way where it sounds like I’m judging them or hurt them in any way. But I also want to get the facts. I’m like 60/40 on believing this woman. It’s just the stuff she knew was sort of true.”
Commenters urged her to be honest with her father and ask.
It’s in the DNA
Familial relationships are complicated. This is because, as the Census Bureau explains, “people define family relationships not just by technical terms, but also based on personal and shared histories.” In other words the type and quality of the relationship defines what we call it. Very close half siblings, for example, might consider themselves full siblings.
Full siblings share approximately 50 percent of their DNA. Half-siblings share approximately 25 percent. So do double first cousins, grandparents and grandchild, and aunts/uncles and nieces/nephews. First cousins share 12.5 percent of DNA.
What do you do when you have a surprise in your DNA test results? According to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2019, 27 percent of people who took a 23andMe or AncestryDNA test discovered close relatives they didn’t know they had.
How a person reacts to the news is determined by a variety of factors:
- People may reject their children or other family members if the discovery is accompanied by pain, shame, trauma, or cultural stigma or if it threatens relationships with other relatives.
- Results may shake a person’s self identity. This often happens when someone discovers their father or mother isn’t biologically theirs.
- People often decide whether to have a relationship with a newly discovered relative based on how others with whom they have relationships react.
- Finding new relatives often shakes long held beliefs people have about their parents.
It’s not uncommon for biological fathers to refuse contact with children they didn’t know they had.
“Even if the news a person receives via spit kit is at first unwelcome or upsetting, the process of managing that discovery and incorporating the news into a person’s life story means she is making meaning out of her own experience, and reclaiming her personal narrative,” Psychology Today says.
In many families, there is at least one person who is willing to reach out to the newly found relative, answer questions, provide a sense of connection, even love.
In other families, new discovered relatives are welcomed with open arms and integrated into the family.
Family Dynamics: Your Parents’ Divorce
It’s never easy when your parents divorce. It doesn’t matter if you’re a child, a young adult or a parent yourself. It still hurts. This is the situation the Economos children find themselves in Family Upheaval and The Christmas Gift, books in The Rock Star’s Wife series.
On the surface it might seem odd for senior citizens to divorce, but it’s becoming increasingly common. It’s so common it even has a nickname – gray divorce. According to the Census Bureau, the percentage of adults 55 to 64 years old who have ever divorced is around 43 percent. Among those 65 to 74 years old, the rate is 39 percent, higher than the rest of the adult population, and those 75 or older, the rate is 24 percent.
Divorce among people 50 years or older has been increasing since the 1990s, especially among baby boomers.
Why do people who have been together for decades divorce? Maximilian Fuentes Fuhrmann, a clinical psychologist who specializes in gerontology, there are several reasons:
- Society’s expectations have changed
- People are living longer and they want to be happy
- Older people have less patience for arguments and drama
- Couples had children young and are now empty nesters
- Couples fall out of love, if they were ever in love to begin with
- Couples were pressured by their parents to marry
- Less women are financially dependent on a spouse
In addition, seniors divorce for the same reasons younger people do ‒ because of adultery or abuse, for example.
Divorcing after the age of 50 can have grave financial side effects. Couples lose approximately 50 percent of their wealth. Women’s living standards drop by 45 percent whereas men’s drop by 21 percent.
Divorce Affects Adult Children
No matter your age, when your parents divorce, it creates a maelstrom of emotions. Even if they were unhappy, your parents being together is all you’ve ever known.
If the couple waits until they are empty nesters, children can feel guilty their parents stayed in a miserable marriage because of them. They will look back at their childhood and adolescence and question whether their parents ever were happy. Were happy moments a lie?
“Should one or both of your divorcing parents try to discuss the divorce with you with the intention of sharing their side of the story, or playing on your sympathy to align you with them, calmly tell them you don’t want to get involved,” Rosalind Sedacca, a certified divorce coach, says. “This is their drama, not yours. Suggest they see a therapist or divorce coach to help them make the best decisions.”
Here are coping strategies adults can implement if their parents split:
- Acknowledge the divorce impacts you
- Don’t feel guilty about the emotions you’re experiencing
- Talk to a friend, family member or therapist
- Take care of your physical and mental health
- Set boundaries and don’t ask for more information or get involved in the legal proceedings
- Don’t assume things like holiday traditions will continue
And, don’t forget, healing will come. Just give it time and count your blessings.
Bonus Relationship Dynamic: Motherhood Changes Friendships
As much as we don’t want it to, motherhood changes friendships – and usually not for the better. Once women have children, it’s common for friendships to become distant or to even end. This is the situation Cassandra, the main character in The Rock Star’s Wife series, finds herself in with her friend Tiffany. The pair have known each other since sixth grade and have been slowly drifting apart since high school graduation, and generally over one topic, motherhood.
Tiffany is adamant that women were not put on Earth solely for reproduction and while Cassie agrees, she also believes it is up to each individual woman to decide. “I’ve come to a new understanding of prochoice,” Cassie says in Rock Star Mom. “Choice means choice. Whether it means the legal right to an abortion or whether it means deciding to become a baby machine.”
Tiffany’s attitude also alienates Jennifer who plans children with Phil. “My fiancée and I will decide for ourselves whether we want a family or not,” Phil says to Tiffany in Christmas Surprise. “After careful consideration, which did not include you, we decided we both want to be parents. And you know who will feed those children? Not you, that’s who.”
Most friendships, however, drift apart for more complicated reasons.
Study after study has learned that having young children brings parents loneliness.
A total of 68 percent of parents feel cut off after the birth of a child from friends, family and colleagues, according to a survey by Action for Children.
More than half, 54 percent, of women felt friendless after giving birth, according to UK video parenting site ChannelMum.com.
Loneliness is most common with mothers under the age of 30 with 82 percent saying they feel lonely some of the time.
Finally, researchers in the Netherlands discovered that women tend to regain contact with friends after their children turn 5, while men permanently remain distant from their friends even when their children become adults. Men, the researchers point out, tend to have fewer close friendships overall than women.
There numerous reasons friendships change after the birth of a baby, according to experts speaking to Romper. They are:
- Your friend is giving you space to adapt to your new life. However, if this is the intention, your friend should voice it.
- Your lives are simply too different.
- Your friend is struggling with infertility, or doesn’t want children.
Friendships also can change because new parents are sleep deprived, many lack childcare or may have financial concerns.
BabySparks gives some tips on how to deal with friendships changing or ending after the birth of a child.
New parents need to realize that it isn’t a sin to take some time for themselves. It’s perfectly fine to call a friend and check in, and it’s also acceptable to admit whatever struggles you’re experiencing.
New parents must realize their social lives will change, but they also must realize that spending time with other adults is important.
New parents need to accept that they may need to make new friends. These new friends will be fellow parents who understand the challenges of parenting.
Change is just that. Change. It is neither good nor bad. It’s simply a new chapter in life.
This article is part of the reader's guide for The Rock Star's Wife series by Melina Druga, a contemporary fiction series about sex, family, and rock & roll. The series follows Cassandra from her teen years into her 40s as she navigates relationships (both romantic and platonic) — all with music playing a prominent role.